Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Also, I got tired of eating bugs.

Dearest Woo-teng,

I thank you for your letter dated three days ago regarding your apparent outrage over my recent change in allegiance. I appreciate your sense of betrayal – indeed I do, but I want to point out a few things to you to set the record straight.

  1. I didn't ask to be elevated to the role of "fire goddess", that was entirely your doing. Had I even been aware, I would have, well, levied a fee or something. Setting things on fire isn't cheap, you know.
  2. I certainly didn't set myself up as your tribe's "protector". They offered certain things in return for a few menial tasks from time to time. It was a fair trade.
  3. I have no idea if I was responsible for Yah-soo's new hut or not. They all look pretty much the same from up in the air, especially once the thatch ignites.
  4. I have no idea what he does with those chickens. And I don't care. But he pays well for them.

Bottom line, Woo, is that this is all about the bottom line. I'm not sure if that sinks in to your fishy little brain, but the Frenzyheart have something I want, and what mamma Flora wants, she gets. So I'm going to be paying you frequent visits, blowing up huts and igniting warriors until I get it.

It's nothing personal, it's business.

Now, I am not without pity for your circumstances, so here's what I want you to do.  Climb up on your hut, and paint a little red square on the roof. Do that, and I'll do my best not to blow up little So-yee in her sleep.  All bets are off if you tell anyone, though.  If I see more than one hut with red squares, they all go up in smoke.

Within a few weeks I should be done, and then you'll never have to worry your addled little pate about me again.

Love and kisses,


P.S.: This would all be moot if you guys just, well, kissed and made up. That's a huge crater. If you guys stopped fighting each other, outsiders would stop setting your huts on fire.